What Does Depression Feel Like?

Depression

de·pres·sion

Feelings of severe despondency and dejection. 

“Just another caricature. See how temptation leads. It sells me the lies, like a sheep in disguise. With every word it plants another seed. I feel a change in the atmosphere. I never thought I’d end up back here. Divided, alone, afraid. In a breath my chains reappear.” 

Depression is not a very good feeling. Depression can be caused by many things. To me the most common one is bullying. I was bullied when I was growing up but I would always brush it off cause people were just pain rude back then. People that bully think It’s ok to other people down. Well, It’s not. Bullying can lead to depression and depression can lead to suicide and suicide can lead to death. Depression and suicide are the 2 worst things that are on this list.

Many things can happen when you are in a depressed state. Like for me I was always in pain. I would always be in pain cause I was physically bullied but when I am home feeling depressed there is a shot of pain that goes throughout my body. I would hardly want to eat because I lost a little bit of my appetite.

Depression can lead to a lot of things. The most common one is suicidal thoughts or actually attepting it.

Suicide

Medical Definition of suicide. 1 :the act or an instance of taking one’s own life voluntarily and intentionally. 2 :a person who commits or attempts suicide.medical Definition of suicide. 1 :the act or an instance of taking one’s own life voluntarily and intentionally. 2 :a person who commits or attempts suicide. 

I didn’t really attempt suicide when I was in 6th grade. But, I did have suicidal thoughts but I never planed out my suicide attempt. There is nothing more heartbreaking for a family to hear that a loved on had killed themselves because they feel like they don’t belong on this earth anymore.

If you feel alone or you feel like you don’t belong here anymore, you are not alone and you have so much purpose. I felt like I didn’t have a purpose for so long cause people would always label me as different. But, I never did it cause I knew that my family would miss me and I would of never have met all of my friends that I have today.

YOU are not alone and keep fighting.

Pain…

It’s A Beautiful Pain… 

A lot of people can get cuts and bruises, right? But that wasn’t my pain. My pain was a lot different. Here are some pains that I experienced through the course of my life.

Depression Pain

Physical symptoms are common in depression, and, in fact, vague aches and pain are often the presenting symptoms of depression. These symptoms include chronic joint pain, limb pain, back pain, gastrointestinal problems, tiredness, sleep disturbances, psychomotor activity changes, and appetite changes. 

Some people with depression are really good at hiding their pain. I was one of those people. The reason why I hid it really well was because I didn’t want people to know that I was hurting. I am gonna bullet point all of the things that happened during the pain through my depression state.

  • Tiredness
  • Appetite Changes

Tiredness

Fatigue is also known as tiredness, reduced energy, physical or mental exhaustion, or lack of motivation. Causes of fatigue can be psychological, physiological, and physical.

I was always tired. Why? I couldn’t sleep well at night. This was back in 2009 when I was badly bullied for being different. I always had a hard time falling asleep. I was so hurt and in pain about what was going on in my life at the time that I would just start to cry. I don’t know how long I would be asleep for everyday but I would always wake up extremely tired.

Loss of Appetite

Loss of appetite, medically referred to as anorexia, can be caused by a variety of conditions and diseases. Some of the conditions can be temporary and reversible, such as loss of appetite from the effects of medications. Some of the conditions can be more serious, such as from the effects of underlying cancer. 

Another thing that I tried to hide. I would wake up every morning not feeling hungry. When my mom would give me my bowl of cereal I didn’t want to eat it, but I ate it anyways just because I didn’t want my parents to find out that I was kinda starting to lose my appetite. Even though I would wake up and go to school everyday not feeling hungry for anything I would eat my food anyways just to hide it (I never lost weight).

Grief Pain

Following a death or loss, you may feel empty and numb, as if you are in shock. 

I have lost a lot of people when I was younger. But there were only 2 people who really took a tole on me when they died.

Grandpa

I was extremely close to my grandpa when I was growing up. When my grandpa I reacted to it in a very different way from everyone else. I couldn’t go into the room where the casket was. I don’t remember how my times that we went there cause I was very young but I remember that I would never go into the room. Cause I couldn’t believe that my grandpa was gone.

Karyna

Karyna was my cousin but we weren’t blood related. I’ve known her since she was born. She passed away in 2008 when she lost her battle with cancer. As I started to grow up I started to miss her more and more each year. And when her favorite songs would come on I almost begin to cry. Every time I would think about her I would always say something to myself

“She was too young.”

Even though people have pain in their lives. It’s not gonna last forever.

Mom’s Anxiety Attack

Anxiety

anx·i·e·ty

a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. 

The Story

I don’t know that actual date when it happened but it happened in the beginning or in the middle of my 8th grade year. My mom would always go up to this creek type place and she would always come back home fine. But this time it was different. While my mom was there a man rolled up behind her in his car. Then he got out of his car and robbed her. When she came home that day, she was different.

My mom has developed anxiety. She has had anxiety since she was in her 20s (she is currently in her 50s). I was homeschooled around the time she started getting anxiety again and I would remember she would tell what to do and she would go to her room. Sometimes my dad would stay home cause my mom would be so anxious. As a person that has never delt with anxiety before I had no idea what she was going through. It took her months or a year to recover again.

It’s Been 8 Years

It’s been years since my mom had her anxiety attack and she is doing much better. She doesn’t go to the creek place anymore but she does take medication. I read my friend Leandra’s blog post about her anxiety experiance. Then I asked my mom a question today.

“Mom, have you ever felt that you weren’t here?’ I asked.

“Yes, I have when I was in my 20s. It’s hard to explain if you never experianced it before.” She answered to me.

I Love My Mom!

I love my mom to death! Sometimes I think she is gonna have another anxiety attack again. But luckly that hasn’t happened yet. There will be time that I would go up to her and give her random hugs because I love her. I love you mom and I always will.

Autism

Autism

Autism spectrum disorders (ASD) are characterized by social-interaction difficulties, communication challenges and a tendency to engage in repetitive behaviors. However, symptoms and their severity vary widely across these three core areas. Taken together, they may result in relatively mild challenges for someone on the high functioning end of the autism spectrum. For others, symptoms may be more severe, as when repetitive behaviors and lack of spoken language interfere with everyday life. 

(Autism Speaks)

One day my mom was picking me up from school, and I was like 4-year-old at the time. When she asked me how school went I said something completely different from what she originally thought that I was gonna say. That’s when my mom knew that there was something different about me.

My mom took me to the regional center and I was diagnosed with PDD-NOS (Pervasive Developmental Disorder-Not Otherwise Specified). It is now called Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD).

School

I was not the best student when I was in school. I was way behind than most of the kids in my grade. I had really bad communication skills when I was in school and I also had and IEP. I also didn’t have a lot of friends growing up cause of my lack of communication.

Communication Difficulties

By age three, most children have passed predictable milestones on the path to learning language. One of the earliest is babbling. By the first birthday, most typically developing toddlers say a word or two, turn and look when they hear their names, point to objects they want or want to show to someone (not all cultures use pointing in this way). When offered something distasteful, they can make clear – by sound or expression – that the answer is “no.” 

By contrast, young children with autism tend to be delayed in babbling and speaking and learning to use gestures. Some infants who later develop autism coo and babble during the first few months of life before losing these communicative behaviors. Others experience significant language delays and don’t begin to speak until much later. With therapy, however, most people with autism do learn to use spoken language and all can learn to communicate.

Some mildly affected children exhibit only slight delays in language or even develop precocious language and unusually large vocabularies – yet have difficulty sustaining a conversation. Some children and adults with autism tend to carry on monologues on a favorite subject, giving others little chance to comment. In other words, the ordinary “give and take” of conversation proves difficult. Some children with ASD with superior language skills tend to speak like little professors, failing to pick up on the “kid-speak” that’s common among their peers. 

Another common difficulty is the inability to understand body language, tone of voice and expressions that aren’t meant to be taken literally. For example, even an adult with autism might interpret a sarcastic “Oh, that’s just great!” as meaning it really is great. 

Conversely, someone affected by autism may not exhibit typical body language. Facial expressions, movements and gestures may not match what they are saying. Their tone of voice may fail to reflect their feelings. Some use a high-pitched sing-song or a flat, robot-like voice. This can make it difficult for others know what they want and need. This failed communication, in turn, can lead to frustration and inappropriate behavior (such as screaming or grabbing) on the part of the person with autism. Fortunately, there are proven methods for helping children and adults with autism learn better ways to express their needs. As the person with autism learns to communicate what he or she wants, challenging behaviors often subside. 

(Autism Speaks)

What is an IEP?

A federal law called the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA) requires that public schools create an IEP for every child receiving special education services. Kids from age 3 through high school graduation or a maximum age of 22 (whichever comes first) may be eligible for an IEP.

The IEP is meant to address each child’s unique learning issues and include specific educational goals. It is a legally binding document. The school must provide everything it promises in the IEP.

Laws: 

  • A statement of your child’s present level of performance (PLOP)—this is how your child is doing in school now
  • Your child’s annual educational goals
  • Special education supports and services that the school will provide to help your child reach goals
  • Modifications and accommodations the school will provide to help your child make progress
  • Accommodations your child will be allowed when taking standardized tests
  • How and when the school will measure your child’s progress toward annual goals
  • Transition planning that prepares teens for life after high school 

(Understood.org)

Sensory Problems

Since I was diagnosed with Autism I had a lot of problems with sensory. I will have sensory problems by just wearing jewelery. There will be a lot of time where I won’t let people touch me because of sensory. I know that it’s weird but it’s just who I am.

Sensory Processing Problems

Many persons with autism have unusual responses to sensory input. They have difficulty processing and integrating sensory information, or stimuli, such as sights, sounds smells, tastes and/or movement. They may experience seemingly ordinary stimuli as painful, unpleasant or confusing. 

Some of those with autism are hypersensitive to sounds or touch, a condition also known as sensory defensiveness. Others are under-responsive, or hyposensitive. An example of hypersensitivity would be the inability to tolerate wearing clothing, being touched or being in a room with normal lighting. Hyposensitivity can include failure to respond when one’s name is called. Many sensory processing problems can be addressed with occupational therapy and/or sensory integration therapy.

(Autism Speaks)

No matter how many times that people say that I’m different. Different is always a good thing. And don’t let other people bring you down and keep your head up high. Autism or not. Nobody was born 100% perfect.

Dear Younger Me

To be honest when I was younger than I am today I thought my childhood was the worst time of my life. When I was younger I was what you call DIFFERENT than a lot of people. Why? Cause I was born that way. I was born with Autism. Now, I am gonna tell you some stories of my life that had a MAYJOR impact on my life today.

Growing up I didn’t fit in with a lot of people who I went to school with. I was easy target that a lot of people started to pick on me because I was so different. At that time I brushed it off because the kids were stupid back then (trust me they were). Then just like that 6th grade came along. The bullying got worse. I was still and easy target because a lot of people couldn’t handle that I was different that they bullied me instead. The bullying was so bad that I started to suffer with depression. I was so depressed around that time that it led to suicidal thoughts.

I never attempted to take my life and I’m glad that I didn’t. But I realized when I got older that being different isn’t a bad thing but a good thing. Nobody will ever be perfect and we weren’t made that way.

Dear 6th grade me: Don’t ever let people get to you. You are stronger than you think you are. Being different is always a good thing and you don’t have to be 100% perfect. You will have a lot of friends when you get older that will except you and you already have friends now that already do. And one more thing. Stop trying to fit in all the time.

Music can be really powerful. I’ve pretty much have been listening to a lot of different types of music all my life. But there is one song that I’ve known since I was very little that will always be close to my heart. Man! I Feel Like A Woman by Shania Twain. You probably wonder why this song means so much to me. Because it was my cousin Karyna’s favorite song. Me and Karyna were very close growing up. I’ve known her since birth but we aren’t blood related.

During that time Karyna was diagnosed with cancer. A brain tumor. She died in 2004 and she was only 7 years old (I was already 8 at the time). When I hear that song I sometime feel like I’m about to cry cause that song just brings up so many memories. I wish she is still here but I know that she is in a better place.

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Dear 8-year-old me: I know it’s been a tough end of the year but I just want to say something. You will get to see her again soon. Just think about all of the happy times that you had with her before she passed. And always keep that song close to your heart. Always.

A lot of things have impacted my life but I only wanted to share a few with you. If you are struggling with something just know that you can conquer it because you are stronger than it (not the clown lol). Just remember that life is temporary so live life to the fullest.